I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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