dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
