singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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