I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
