you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
