I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
