Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
