I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
