I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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