a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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