if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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