So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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