I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think a kid would responsible me up
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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