i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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