dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
