My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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