I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
