i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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