Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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