I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
