haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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