ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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