Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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