Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
