I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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