I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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