He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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