He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize