p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
