I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
