drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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