I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
