i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
