a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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