To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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