she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I look better un-naked...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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