I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
