hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
