Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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