I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My vagina is very pro this idea
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
