He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
