Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
