he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
