her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
