Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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