I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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