Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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