Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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