Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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