Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
