Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
