I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
