I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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