his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
