cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
