haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
this hospital has no fireball
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
