I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
