We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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