Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
