we should wear snuggies to the strip club
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
