If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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