Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
