Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
